These Days
I have an opportunity to be alone. It’s on the calendar. My husband is good with the kids all night. I can go and finish some work for a course I am working on. I could go for a run by the river. I could go sip something warm.
But I linger.
Over my sweet baby boy who is nodding off at the dinner table. Over wiping the table clean after I have put him to sleep. Over my girls giggles as they chase each other around downstairs.
Just lingering.
In my space. With my people.
My husband looks at me with a smile and asks me what my plan is. I’m well past the time I said I would be leaving. I smile back, but don’t say anything.
Oh the Lord knows how much I enjoy time alone, and how I crave it when I haven’t had it for awhile. Yet, I also just want to linger…here… with the sound of giggles and little feet, the white noise of the baby monitor, and clanging of dishes in the kitchen sink.
I remember at Elisabeths baby shower, just a few weeks after she was born, I received this same sentiment from any and every mom with a kid that was even slightly older than mine:
“The days are long, but the years are short.”
After the 10th time of hearing moms with tears in their eyes spout off this well loved cliche in a two hour span, I began to just smile and nod with my eyes glazed over.
Fast forward to the present day, and my Libby girl is 5 and there are two additional little ones underfoot. I can now say that I get it. I haven’t had my body to myself in 6 years, can count on one hand the amount of full nights sleeps I’ve had in over a year, and my eyes are absolutely still glazed over. But, oh how I get it.
The tension within this season of motherhood is thick. There are so many longings all mingled together. The longing for my body to be my own. To rest. To linger over coffee, over conversation, over a good book, over a good meal. To linger in the arms of the one my heart loves. I long to pursue thoughts that interest me, to engage in meaningful study, to pursue the writing of words and melodies, and to contribute to my larger community by using the things I am good at to benefit others.
And yet… I also long to stay here in this sanctuary… rocking back and forth in time to lullabies and whispering prayers to heaven in the dark. I long to feel the beat of my sweet sons heart against my chest, watching the rise and fall of his breath. I long for wet kisses and wobbly steps, snuggles and stories under blankets, and slides made of couch cushions. I long for the hiddenness of this season, where there is no place to be, but here.
Yes, the days are long and the years are short.
Long days beckon the voices of mamas yearning for the next season…the one with a full nights sleep. The tired and joyful eyes of seasoned mothers plead with me to embrace these days and my own mama whispers of longing to have back years that went by too quickly.
Yes, long days …. And Yes too quickly.
But, also, maybe, just as it is meant to be?
This season of motherhood is a teacher inviting me to hold all of these longings in both hands, mingled together. Maybe the deep longings of the heart are not meant to be separated into seasons, and compartmentalized, split into categories of yes, no, or not yet. Maybe these longings are part of the beautiful complexity of being made in the image of God, and we are given the grace to hold them altogether with a “both, and.”
More than any other time in my life, I have been trying to draw boundary lines; to categorize, to separate, to decipher… to figure out.
And yet, I sense this invitation to let lines blur and let God hold the whole of this soul of mine.
Yes, the days are long and the years are short. Moments are hard and easy, life giving and exhausting. This season of motherhood can run me ragged and I would still do it all again any day. But it’s not just a season…it is my life. Every day is long and short, and years go slow and quick, and every day is a gift.
And like a fluid dance that I will learn my whole life through, I pray that I might graciously allow different parts to take lead; to let grace and truth, and joy and sorrow, and the myriad of longings that make up me all linger together as I let the Spirit of God mold me into looking more like Him. I am not one part, nor another. I am the image bearer of my Creator.
Wild. Beautiful. Free.
As are you.
You don’t have to be categorized.
Your longings are not too big for the ‘season’ you find yourself in.
Friends, we are not guaranteed every season under heaven. We are only given this day, this moment. This gift of life that we hold in our hands is filled with all of our longings, circumstances, emotions and experiences all mingled together and poured out in an offering back to the one who gave us breath in these lungs of ours today.
So, our invitation today?
Let yourself sit in the tension of these days that you find yourself in.
Let the lines blur.
And let your soul be shaped by the Spirit of God who is big enough to hold all of the beautiful parts of you.
Jalene <3
